Why Do I Feel So Much Shame and Guilt with BPD?
Understanding BPD and Prioritizing Your Mental Health in the New Year
As the new year just started, it’s easy to look around and feel like you’re falling behind. Maybe you see people your age celebrating accomplishments—career milestones, relationship successes, or personal goals—and you can’t help but wonder, Why am I not there yet?
For those living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), this comparison game often fuels feelings of shame and guilt. These emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when paired with the emotional intensity and high standards you might set for yourself.
Here’s the thing.
You’re not alone, and you’re not “failing.”
Understanding the role of shame and guilt and how they relate to BPD is a crucial step moving forward in the new year.
Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?
Shame and guilt are two distinct emotions that often get lumped together. They may seem and feel similar. Yet, they arise from different experiences:
Guilt happens when your actions violate your own values or moral code. It’s tied to specific behaviors, as in, I did something “bad”.
Shame, on the other hand, is the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you, as in, I am “bad”.
For people with BPD, guilt and shame can be amplified by a history of invalidation or difficult relationships. You might replay mistakes in your mind or feel like you’re inherently unworthy of the happiness others seem to achieve. These feelings can be paralyzing, holding you back from pursuing your goals or prioritizing your well-being.
How BPD Amplifies Shame and Guilt
Emotional dysregulation, the hallmark of BPD, can intensify shame and guilt. When guilt and/or shame arise, they can feel all-consuming, making it hard to think clearly, respond effectively, and calm back down.
For instance, if you had a conflict with a loved one over the holidays, guilt over something you said or did might spiral into shame, leaving you thinking, “No wonder no one sticks around—I ruin everything.” This kind of extreme thinking, common in borderline personality disorder, creates a cycle that’s hard to break without the right strategies.
Additionally, seeing others hit traditional milestones—engagements, promotions, family gatherings—can trigger feelings of inadequacy. It’s easy to assume these achievements reflect a kind of success you’ll never attain, reinforcing the belief that you’re falling behind or are somehow a failure.
How DBT Can Help You Move Forward
Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help you navigate shame and guilt, challenge extreme thinking, and manage overwhelming emotions. DBT will help you focus on balance, resilience, and creating meaningful change in your life.
Here are a few ways that DBT can help you deal with experiencing not only guilt and shame, but also other negative emotions.
Managing Emotional Overwhelm
When emotions like shame or guilt feel unbearable, DBT helps you stay grounded in the present moment. Instead of reacting impulsively, you learn to acknowledge the discomfort and respond in a way that won’t make your problems worse.
2. Balancing Opposites with Dialectics
Dialectics reminds us that two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time. For instance,
You can feel disappointed in your progress while still recognizing your worth.
You can acknowledge past mistakes while also working toward positive change.
Viewing things dialectically can help you move away from the all-or-nothing thinking that often fuels shame and guilt.
3. Strengthening Relationships
BPD can strain relationships, particularly when shame or guilt causes you to behave in ways that push others away. DBT will help you learn how to navigate conflicts, communicate effectively, and rebuild trust—both with others and yourself.
Philadelphia DBT: Supporting YOU in the New Year
The start of a new year doesn’t have to feel like a reminder of what you didn’t achieve. Instead, it can be an opportunity to focus on what truly matters—your mental health and well-being.
If you’re ready to let go of the shame and guilt holding you back, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can provide the tools and support you need. As a Philadelphia DBT therapist, I specialize in helping individuals with BPD and debilitating anxiety build a life they’re proud of.
Together, we can work on strategies to help you embrace balance, prioritize your mental health, and create a year filled with growth and fulfillment.