Struggling with BPD? Discover How to Manage Splitting with Philadelphia DBT
/BPD and Splitting: How Being Your Own Detective Can Help
You’ve struggled for a long time to build relationships. Relationships, in general, have always been hard for you. You feel like you set the bar low and yet time and time again, you end up disappointed; rejected; alone. You feel constantly let down by others.
You feel lonely a lot. You wish you wouldn’t. Hell, you can’t remember the last time you didn’t feel lonely. Other people don’t seem to have so much trouble. You can’t even remember the last time you went out on a date or even shared a meaningful conversation with anyone. Friends, partners, co-workers… All of them. It really sucks.
You keep asking yourself, “What is wrong with me?”
Relationship Problems and BPD
Your relationship history feels like a broken record.
Like with your last boyfriend… You met on a dating app and had such high hopes. You felt connected at first. He was attractive, shared similar interests, and seemed genuinely interested in you. Then, just like with everyone else, he let you down.
You bought tickets for the two of you to go to a concert and he told you he was excited. He was to come to your place, and you would head to dinner together before arriving at the concert.
An hour before he was scheduled to come over, he messaged you to say that he was running late. Apparently, one of his “high-profile client meetings” ran late and he suggested that you just meet up at the restaurant. You felt disappointed. You were so excited about the extra time together.
The more you thought about it, the angrier you got. He knew this was important to you and now he ruined it. You thought, “Didn’t he want the extra time with me? Is his job more important than I am?” Before you knew it, you sent a slew of rage texts, flinging all of your disappointment, anger, sadness, and rejection onto him.
You told him, “It’s over”.
He quickly reassured you that YOU were more important. He said he’d make it up to you.
When you saw him standing outside the restaurant, your heart just melted. You immediately felt guilty. You rushed into his arms. You felt that things would finally work out.
That is until it happened again.
He let you down again- The same excuse, the same apology, then the same painful guilt.
The cycle continued… until it didn’t.
He told you he couldn’t deal with you anymore.
“What the f*ck?” you think. He’s the one who ruined everything.
Why does this keep happening to you?
You wonder why this keeps happening. Why does everyone keep letting you down? It doesn’t matter who it is, they all let you down. They abandon you. They say they can’t handle your behavior.
Understanding BPD Symptoms
When you have borderline personality disorder, you struggle with seeing things from extremes and are unable to view things as having more than one truth. In other words, black-and-white thinking. This is also referred to as “splitting”.
When I work with people using DBT, the overall goal is to learn how to embrace a dialectical worldview. Dialectics reminds us that there is always more than one way to see a situation.
Dialectics reminds us that there is always more than one truth.
What does that look like in the example above?
“Playing Detective”: Checking the Facts
Sometimes we need to “play detective” and check the facts. Here are the facts from the situation described:
Tickets were purchased for a concert and he said he was excited to go.
Plans included him coming to your apartment, going to dinner, then going to the concert.
He texted you to say he was running late due to work and asked to meet up at the restaurant.
You felt hurt, disappointed, and angry.
You sent him “rage” texts that ended with you ending the relationship.
He apologized.
When you met him at the restaurant, you felt guilty and thought things would be ok.
What you don’t know as fact? His intent.
Embracing Dialectics: Multiple Truths
Dialectical thinking reminds us that there is always more than one truth. Consider the following.
He was excited and got held up at work.
You were hurt and still care about him.
His behavior hurt you and he still cares about you.
You can be angry and also love a person at the same time.
People with BPD struggle with finding balance in their thinking. For instance, in the example above, if someone messes up, they must not love or care about them. Instead, consider that someone can mess up AND still care about you.
Finding Balance in Your Thinking
Being able to understand and recognize that two very opposite-sounding things can be true at the same time is so important. Problems arise when people get stuck on one only their perspective, thinking, "It's either this or nothing."
Here are two steps to help you begin implementing a dialectical perspective.
Check the Facts: Identify and list out the facts of what happened. Remember to not infer intent or on your emotions.
Consider Multiple Perspectives: Remind yourself that there can be more than one truth. Both you and the other person can have valid feelings and reasons.
Philadelphia DBT: Embracing a Dialectical Worldview
Living with BPD and dealing with splitting can be incredibly tough. Understanding and applying dialectical thinking can make a significant difference. By “playing detective” and checking the facts, you can start to see situations more clearly and reduce the intensity of your emotional responses. Remember, you CAN find balance and improve your relationships by recognizing that multiple truths can coexist.
Finding a Philadelphia DBT Therapist
If you're struggling, consider reaching out for support from a Philadelphia DBT therapist who can help guide you on this journey. As a DBT therapist, I provide treatment for BPD. DBT can help you navigate painful emotions, build solid relationships, and create a life worth living.
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