Have BPD and Been Called Manipulative?

Do you Have BPD & been accused of being manipulative? 

You don’t understand it. It happened to you again. You just got a text from a so-called friend, informing you that she doesn’t like being manipulated and she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to hang out together anymore.

Why does this keep happening?

Just last night, the two of you were arguing. She was clearly wrong when she said that she cares about you. If she truly cared, then she would’ve canceled her plans and come support you. After all, you were really in a bad place and needed her. You told her as much. You tried to explain that if she were really your friend, she’d drop her plans and come over to be with you.

Before you knew it, you were left alone… abandoned… again. 

For as long as you can remember, relationships have been really difficult for you. It didn’t matter if you were dating someone or just trying to be a friend, most of the time the end results were the same. They ended badly, leaving you alone and feeling even more rejected.

Relationships only bring you pain or rejection.

You wonder why you even bother. 

You don’t understand why this keeps happening. Even when you thought she was your friend. Even when you thought that guy was the one.  

You crave true, authentic friendships and finding that special person. Don’t people understand that you only want to be loved? Be accepted?

Yet time and time again, things go awry. During arguments, they’ve called you “manipulative”, that you were “manipulating” them, and soon after the relationship ended.

Are you manipulative?

Here’s the thing.

We all try to manipulate the people around us most of the time. I mean, really, we do. Most of us all try to influence others and try to get them to do what we want. The problem is that maybe you don’t know how to ask for what you want without pushing people away.

We all need social connection.

Everyone wants friends and people in our lives. We are social creatures and need interaction with others to grow and flourish. Every single person needs a support system and healthy relationships in their life. In fact, there have been many books written specifically about this very topic.

What it means when someone calls you manipulative.

When someone called you “manipulative”, I’m going to guess they were probably referring to how your behavior affected them. They perhaps wanted you to behave differently because they didn’t like your behavior.

In other words, your behavior, perhaps, caused them to feel frustrated or angry.

Using the term, “manipulative” is rather an unclear description, in my opinion. But, nonetheless, calling you “manipulative” communicated to you that the other person did not like your behavior.

How NOT to be manipulative.

The good news is that there are ways to not come across as manipulative.

Being able to ask for what you want or to say “no” to things you don’t want, is a skill.

If you’ve been accused of being manipulative often, it may be because you don’t know how to do this effectively. Perhaps, you may believe that the only way to get what you want from others is through demanding it or through deception.

No one likes having things demanded of them. Moreover, no one enjoys being guilted into doing something either. It tends to create a narrative of entitlement and control and communicates the message of well, being manipulated.

Here’s the bottom line.

1. The reality is that other people do not owe us anything.

Demanding someone do what we want, because we simply want them to… well, that isn’t very effective, is it?  

2. Threatening someone may get the other person to comply, but is that really helping you make friends?

Threatening to do something to the other person or somehow communicating that they’ll somehow “pay for it” if they don’t go along with you, will only cause people to avoid you. Verbally attacking someone when they can’t or won’t do what you want, definitely won’t win them over.

3. People don’t want to be judged or guilt-tripped.

Communicating judgment or insinuating that they are “bad” for not going along with what you want, will at the very least cause annoyance and in time, only push other people away. Don’t roll your eyes or look down your nose at people when they decline. It’s not effective at keeping friends, you know? 

4. Thinking about being deceitful? Think again.

If being deceitful or lying this is how you’ve tried to form relationships, think again. If you’ve tried this already, I’m going to guess that it hasn’t worked for you. Trying to “get one over on someone” is only asking for karma to return the favor. Most of us don’t want to be around people who get what they want only by being dishonest.

If you’ve been called “manipulative” by people in your life and you struggle with relationships, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help.

DBT Therapy in Philadelphia

When you’re in DBT, you can learn how to effectively get what you want by learning how to ask or say “no” more skillfully. You’ll learn how to get others to be more agreeable to your requests, without sacrificing your self-respect.

Relationships are hard.

When you have BPD, relationships are even harder.

I know you’ve been doing the best you can, and yet you’re still having relationship problems. I know that you desperately want loving, supportive relationships and yet your behavior only pushes people away.

As a Philadelphia DBT therapist, I help people who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and debilitating anxiety.

Philadelphia BPD Treatment

If you constantly feel like others are letting you down and feel like you’re doomed to be alone forever, there is hope.  

Don’t continue to be miserable and suffer through toxic relationship patterns. Please reach out today and book a free DBT consultation. Click HERE to schedule a consultation for outpatient treatment for BPD or anxiety therapy.