How Barbies Helped This Philadelphia DBT Therapist Learn To Push Away

Pushing Away from Your Misery: DBT Therapy in Philadelphia

You just can’t stop replaying the scene in your head. She just wasn’t getting it and it’s driving you insane. You keep asking yourself why doesn’t she understand? Why does she keep doing things that are just pissing you off over and over and over again?

Last night was the worst. Your sister called like she normally does when she wants something. She never calls to just check in or to see how you’re doing. Why on Earth did you even pick up the phone? It’s like you knew this was going to happen.

She started in on how Mom needs more help and insinuated that it’s now YOUR job to “step up” and put in the time. You’ve had this convo with her many, many times before. You love your mom and you are only able to do what you can do. You’ve helped as much as you’re able by helping with Mom’s medical expenses, coordinating her appointments, and even helping to take your mom on her errands and to her appointments.

Your sister is now complaining that she doesn’t have the time and wants you to take over her responsibilities as well. Really?

You’ve pointed out that your sister doesn’t have a full-time job or currently raising children, and your sister responded in her usual way- playing the victim and insinuating that you were simply given your success and good financial fortune.

That was it. You lost your cool.

You responded by calling her an “irresponsible bitch” and added that it’s not your fault her life is not what she wants it to be. If she really wanted to help, she should not continue to sit on her fat ass and refuse to work. This went back and forth until your sister hung up on you.

What you really want to do is to call her back to tell her more about how she’s the problem.

Actually, what you really want is to have the last word. Like, somehow having the last word will somehow magically change the entire situation.

Now, you’re fuming and find it hard to even concentrate. You keep thinking about how infuriating your sister is, as you hear your youngest daughter call out to you. Your anger you feel at your sister is now somehow taking over the time you planned with your kiddo!!!

Does it make sense for you to call your sister back and demand that she listens to reason?

No. It doesn’t.

***During times when emotions are high and there’s nothing you can do to solve your problem immediately, it’s more effective to distract yourself from your angering situation.*** 

DBT & When to Distract Yourself

Dialectical Behavior Therapy recognizes that while most of the time it is super important that we allow ourselves to experience all of our emotions, realistically, sometimes focusing on the problem is not helpful.

Sometimes the worst thing you can do is to focus more attention on your emotion, especially when there’s no reason to do so.

In other words, DBT teaches that sometimes it’s more effective to distract yourself from whatever’s causing you emotional distress.

In the example above, it wouldn’t be effective or help your mom to continue to ruminate about your sister’s behavior. I know, I know… you could scream at how ridiculous your sister is. Actually, there are some people who would continue to fantasize about what they would say to their sister in this situation.

Again, as if, telling her one more thing would somehow magically make your sister’s behavior change…

DBT & Distracting with ACCEPTS.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve been digging into how distraction, when done purposely, can be helpful in solving our problems, especially when doing something now wouldn’t help or actually, make things more of a mess.

If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that I’ve already covered “A” which stands for “Activities”, “C”, which is for “Contributing”, the next “C” , which stands for “Comparison”, and “E” which is for opposite “Emotions”.  

Distracting by “Pushing” away: A DBT Distraction Skill

Today’s post is going to examine the “P” which stands for “pushing” away.

This can mean pushing away from an emotionally intense or painful situation by leaving it physically or by blocking it from your mind.

When you can put physical or mental space between you and whatever is causing your emotional distress, it can be helpful.

Let’s break this down a bit.

Using DBT’s Pushing Away: What to do

Let’s say you’re in a heated argument with your spouse. You simply have HAD IT and you can’t fathom not wanting to jump across the table and shake some sense into him.

Literally, when you distract by pushing away physically, this would mean that you get up and leave the table.

I know, I know, easier said than done.

Or, let’s say you’re in a similar situation to the one at the beginning of the post. You’re already physically apart from your sister being that you were talking with her over the phone. However, even the sight of your phone is causing your temper to rise.

You can “push away” the phone by either asking your partner to take the phone from you or you could move to a different room.

This Philadelphia BPD Therapist’s Example

Ok, here’s one more example and it’s a personal one.

Several years ago, I was going through my kiddo’s Barbie dolls to clean them up, organize them, and then list them for selling. I spent soooo much time devoted to making them presentable so that way they would be “loved” by another child instead of taking up space in our home.

I remember noticing that I somewhere along the line, I had my fill of combing out all of the Barbies’ and Monster High Dolls’ hair and was ready to be done. I was totally at the end of my patience when, I was just about finished with one of the dolls and couldn’t for the life of me make the last one “presentable”.

Again, frustration was getting at an all time high with this incessant task and at the risk of having a “moment” (and btw, as a DBT therapist, I am not immune to this), I directed my husband to “get these Barbies out of my sight”.

I’ll be damned, putting space between me and the stressor of literally seeing those dolls was helpful at calming me down. With this being said, I later did return to them. I didn’t “push them away” forever, never to return to them or the problem again. I just needed that space for a little bit in order to think clearly.

DBT “Pushing Away” using Imagery

Another way to practice “pushing” away is by using imagery or blocking.

In other words, you can imagine putting your distressful, painful problem into a box only to be opened again at a later time.

You could also imagine building a wall in your mind and “blocking” or “pushing” away any mental cues associated with the problem.

A “hack” for using imagery to push away.

Here’s a hack for using “blocking”. You can try to “block” related thoughts about your negative emotion in time increments. Like, “push away” from your phone for 2 minutes, and then another 2 mins, and so forth.

Breaking it down that way seems to help some people. The key to using distraction by pushing away is to again only use this particular technique after you’ve tried other distraction options and only for a short period of time.

Philadelphia Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment

If you’re tired of your intense emotions ruining your life, there is hope. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the “Gold Standard” in BPD treatment. You are not doomed to be “Borderline” for the rest of your life. As a DBT therapist, I provide DBT therapy and help people, like you, who struggle with finding and keeping relationships, coping with painful emotions, and doing things you later regret.

DBT Therapy in Philadelphia

As a DBT therapist, I provide a standard, full, outpatient DBT. If you’re interested in finding your way out of your personal hell, reach out today. I offer free therapy consultations for DBT, BPD treatment, and therapy for anxiety. Click HERE to schedule your DBT therapy consultation.