Surviving Family Gatherings When You Have BPD
/Holiday Conflicts and Keeping Relationships Using DBT
For many people, the holidays are a time of joy and togetherness. For others, the holiday season can bring up a lot of stress and tension, especially when it comes to family gatherings.
Picture this: You’re at a holiday dinner, and everything seems to be going well until someone makes a comment that rubs you the wrong way. Maybe it’s a remark about your life choices, or perhaps someone brings up a sensitive topic you weren’t ready to discuss. Before you know it, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re trying to hold back the urge to snap.
You’ve been here before. Maybe it’s with a particular family member who always seems to push your buttons, or perhaps it’s the overall pressure to maintain the peace, even when you’re feeling anything but peaceful inside. The holidays, with their expectations of harmony and goodwill, can often amplify underlying tensions, making conflicts feel inevitable and overwhelming.
The Struggle with Conflict During the Holidays When You Have BPD
For someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), the pressure to keep everything together during the holidays can be particularly challenging. The heightened emotions, the fear of being misunderstood or rejected, and the struggle to assert your needs without feeling guilty can all contribute to a sense of being on edge. You might find yourself either lashing out in anger or withdrawing entirely, leaving you feeling disconnected from the people around you.
You don’t want to ruin the holidays. You also don’t want to sit in silence, feeling hurt or disrespected. The conflict leaves you feeling stuck, as if you’re walking a tightrope between exploding in anger and suppressing your emotions to keep the peace.
How DBT “GIVE” Skills Can Help
One of the skills taught in DBT is the GIVE Skill. The GIVE skill is for being effective in relationships. The acronym, GIVE, stands for “(Be) Gentle”, “(Act) Interested”, “Validate”, and “(Use an) Easy manner”. Each part of the GIVE skill can be particularly useful during the holidays when emotions are running high AND you want to maintain the relationship.
Let’s break down how the GIVE skills can be applied to common holiday conflicts.
(Be) Gentle: Approach Conversations by Being Respectful
When tensions rise, it can be difficult to respond effectively. The GIVE skill encourages you to demonstrate a “gentle” approach, both verbally and non-verbally. Overall, that means to “be nice and respectful”. Specifically, that means no verbal attacks, no clenching fists, no threatening, no judgments, no eye rolling/sneering, etc. For the record, I totally get how this is easier said than done. Remember, the GIVE skill is to help you keep relationships.
For example, if a family member makes a comment that angers you, make sure to express your anger directly with your words and not verbally attacking them in response. Let’s say your cousin makes a comment about your particular political party, saying that the “____ party is full of idiots”. You need to make sure you don’t respond with a judgmental attack, such as “Of course, only someone like you, who’s part of the ____ party would be so stupid”.
(Act) Interested: Appear Interested in the Other Person
It can be challenging to stay engaged in a conversation when you’re upset. Showing interest in the other person’s point of view can help de-escalate tensions. Notice that it says “Act” interested, not “Be” interested. So, how do you act or appear interested? You maintain eye contact and not interrupt them.
During a holiday dinner, for instance, if someone brings up a topic that you don’t like or know much about, allow them the space to talk about it. By appearing interested, it helps demonstrate your respect for the other person, even if you disagree.
Validate: Acknowledge the Other Person’s Thoughts and Feelings
In DBT, there are several levels of validation that can enhance your relationship effectiveness. In its most basic form, validation means that you understand someone’s feelings and thoughts about a situation.
Notice that I’m NOT saying validation means “agreeing” or “supporting” the other person’s perspective. Validation does mean showing that you can see the world from their perspective. You might say something like, “I realize you feel strongly about this” or “It makes sense that you’re upset about this.”
By validating the other person’s emotions, you’re letting them know that their thoughts and feelings matter, which can reduce defensiveness, make it easier to deal with conflict, and help maintain the relationship.
(Use an) Easy Manner: Keep the Conversation Light and Relaxed
People tend to make holiday gatherings as enjoyable as possible. When you use an easy manner, you keep things “light-hearted”. Make sure you check the attitude at the door. When you smile, it relaxes you and can help the other person feel more comfortable. You can even use a little humor.
If things start to get heated, make sure you take a breath to relax you and smile naturally. This can help lighten the mood and help put the other person at ease.
Philadelphia DBT: Supporting You Through Holiday Conflicts
The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress and conflict. By incorporating the DBT GIVE skills, you can navigate challenging situations with confidence and maintain healthy relationships with your loved ones.
If you find the holidays particularly difficult, Philadelphia DBT therapy can provide the support and strategies you need to get through life’s problems. As a DBT therapist specializing in BPD treatment, I can help you develop the skills to handle conflicts effectively and create more meaningful connections with the people around you.
Your Philadelphia DBT Therapist
You don’t have to face holiday stress alone. If you’re ready to learn how to manage conflicts and maintain healthy relationships, reach out today. As a BPD therapist, I specialize in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Anxiety treatment, and helping you create a life that’s worth living. You can learn to solve life’s problems, including painful holiday gatherings, as skillfully and effectively as possible.
Invest in yourself this holiday season. I offer free consultations for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, BPD treatment and anxiety therapy.
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