Philadelphia DBT Therapist Explains Why People with BPD Lie

Philadelphia DBT Therapist Explains: Borderline Personality Disorder & Lying

You’ve been called manipulative so many times that you’ve lost count. You’re not trying to be deceitful and yet, time and time again, you’ve been accused of lying. You’re not trying to lie, really, you’re not.

People with BPD are compared to narcissists everywhere you look. They say that those with BPD are uncaring, selfish, and incapable of love. It’s so hard for you to wrap your head around this. The very idea that you only care about yourself feels so ridiculous; so absurd.

If people only knew that the opposite was true- you loath yourself and feel ashamed about who you are. You would rather lose a limb or worse… than deal with the idea that you’ll be left alone, and unloved.

In fact, the more you think about it, the more it makes you sick. You desperately want to be accepted and loved. You’d literally do anything to keep the people in your life around. The last thing you want to do is push them away and make them not want to be around you. Worse yet, you don’t want them think that you’re some sort of unfeeling, manipulative, crazy, narcissist that makes others run for the hills.

You’ve destroyed relationships

And yet… You’ve destroyed so many relationships. Even your closest family and friends are at their wit's end. Oftentimes, you don’t even know what happened. You’ve done everything you can to not be abandoned and yet here you are again…

You’re miserable, hopeless, and alone. You don’t ask for much, at least that's what you’ve told yourself. You just want to feel safe… because it’s so hard for you to trust people. After all, your relationships continue to crumble… get destroyed…

The end result? You’re called a crazy bitch; a lying, uncaring narcissist.

So, what is happening? How can it be that someone who wants nothing more than to be loved gets caught up in a cycle of lying or accused of lying (whether intentional or not)?

Is BPD the same as being a narcissist?

I’m not going to lie, (pun intended) lying is something that so many people with BPD struggle with. However, the idea that these individuals with BPD are narcissists couldn’t be further from the truth. Let me explain.

Over the years I’ve worked with people who struggle with BPD, and having relationship problems tends to be at the center of it all. This is at the heart of the issue. On the surface, one may perhaps wonder why on Earth someone who desperately craves feeling loved and belonging, would continue to do things that only make people not want to be around them.

People with BPD do lie at times, AND not for the reasons you may think.

If you love someone with BPD, I know it can feel crazy-making. I know you are probably ready to pull your hair out. You’re probably at your wit’s end. You may be wondering if the relationship is worth your sanity. I hear you.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, I know it is not your intention to cause other people to run in the opposite direction.

I’m writing this not because I approve of people lying. My purpose is to help clarify the underlying issues that tend to cause a person with BPD to feel the need to lie.

Reasons why people with BPD lie. 

In my experience with providing BPD treatment, there are several patterns that I’ve noticed that correspond with lying. These also align with the 5 areas of dysfunction that occur in BPD- emotion dysregulation, relationship dysregulation, self-dysregulation, cognitive dysregulation, and behavior dysregulation. The following reasons hopefully provide you some insight.

 1.     Emotion dysregulation: A Symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder

When someone is emotionally dysregulated, it means that they are unable to experience and handle their emotions effectively. It means that they are highly emotionally sensitive and highly emotionally reactive. So, what happens when someone with BPD is experiencing an intense emotion, particularly one that is negative and painful?

When experiencing a heightened emotional state, biologically, a person’s sympathetic nervous system kicks in. They breathe faster, their heart rate quickens, they can sweat, etc. They may not think clearly, have trouble focusing and making decisions… Overall, being ineffective.

During higher states of stress, our ability to process higher order tasks decreases. It’s like resorting to our lizard brains… For someone without BPD, this can be tricky, especially when it’s an emotionally painful experience.

Now, imagine someone with BPD who’s already biologically predisposed to emotional vulnerability and reactivity, whose emotions literally bring on physical pain… the painful emotional experience can impact all sorts of things.

That means, when you’re in a heightened emotional state, we know already that you’re not thinking clearly. So, what do you think that does to someone’s ability to navigate higher-processing interpersonal communication? Emotions take over. They may not even remember what they said or did during such heightened emotional experiences. Hell, I’ve been in situations in which I don’t remember agreeing to something or saying something when I’ve been in extremely stressful situations and I don’t have BPD. So, imagine what it’s like for someone who’s emotions literally feel like they’re on fire. 

Emotional overload can impact your ability to think clearly and remember correctly especially when you’re predisposed to emotional sensitivity.

2. BPD and the Social Chameleon: Lacking a Sense of Self Can Lead to Lying

People with BPD tend to struggle with their sense of identity. In other words, they don’t really know who they are or what they value. When you don’t know who you are, you may look to others to answer those questions. You may not know what you want or how you feel about something.

It’s hard to be truthful when you don’t even know what is true for you.  

3. BPD, Lying & Fear of Abandonment: Doing Anything to Keep the Relationship

BPD & Lying while Dating

For people with Borderline Personality Disorder, relationships are hard. Like, really, really hard. The idea that someone with BPD could potentially lose a relationship or be abandoned is almost too difficult to bear. The fear of being rejected can bring on crippling anxiety.  

As a DBT therapist, I’ve seen this play out in several ways. On one hand, someone with BPD, who craves the acceptance that relationship brings, may find themselves lying in order to keep that person around.

For instance, being asked about “simple” things may bring up an internal battle when dating. Being asked if they’ve ever been to a particular restaurant may cause a lot of stress. Like, if they’ve never been there before, “Do I tell him I haven’t been and risk looking foolish and uncultured and therefore not worthy of spending time with?”

Or perhaps, when considering sex, “Do I say I’m comfortable with it on the first date even when I’m not? I don’t want him to think l’m a prude and I don’t want to look like a whore… I want him to like me… What if he thinks I don’t like him or what if he thinks I’m too easy?? I don’t know what to say or do to make him want to stay…”

“What do I need to do in order to make sure he wants to keep me around?”

BPD & Lying at Work.

You can also see how this can play out at the work place as well.

At work, when asked if they have experience in a certain work task, the person with BPD may think, “I don’t have it, but I don’t want them to find someone to replace me or think they hired the wrong person”.

“How can I make sure they want to keep me and like me?”

BPD & Lying to Friends

With new friends, when asked to go out to a bar, but not sure if they can handle a lot of drinking, can cause a lot of fear. They may say to themselves, “I’m not sure I can trust myself to not overindulge, but I don’t want to miss this opportunity. What if they don’t ask me again to things or if they think I have a problem or something. I can’t let that happen. I’ll just go and hope for the best. Or I’ll just tell them I don’t feel well so I don’t have to tell them that I’m concerned with my own drinking…”

“How do I keep them liking me, not reject me, and keep me as their friend?”

BPD Lying & People Pleasing

You can see from the examples above how lying here is a form of “people pleasing” and can cost them their own wellbeing, and create more problems. They risk the chance that their lies will be exposed or make things even worse, such as destroying the relationship. And yet,

The very idea of being “real” is so terrifying that they may choose to lie in order to keep the relationship, at least in the short term… because the idea that they are rejected or abandoned is just too terrifying.

“I must be liked and accepted at all costs.”

4. BPD & Lying for Protection

On the other hand, I’ve worked with people with Borderline Personality Disorder who “test” the other person they’re in a relationship with in order to see just how trustworthy the other person is. These tests, often driven by fears of abandonment or a need for reassurance, can manifest in various ways.

On the surface, it may seem like “self-sabotage” and “manipulative”; however, this is not how the person with BPD sees it.

Here’s an example: Let’s say someone with BPD began dating someone they really like. In the beginning, they professed being "open" to whatever the other person suggested. They voiced their willingness to explore a non-exclusive relationship, and even expressed acceptance of engaging in various sexual behaviors that made them feel uneasy.

Fast forward a couple of months… the partner has no clue that the other isn’t comfortable with certain sexual behaviors, and non-exclusivity. So, imagine their surprise when the person with BPD exclaims “Well, I never was comfortable with …, I can’t believe you made me do that….” Or bombarding them with texts demanding to know their whereabouts and who they're with.

From the perspective of the person with BPD, it can be a way to “test” the other person to see if they really do, in fact, love them enough, want them enough, respect them enough… From the other person’s perspective, it can be like, “What the f*ck, you told me you were ok with this. You’re a liar. This is too much.”

People with BPD try to protect themselves from what is “inevitable”.

How does lying become the default option in BPD?

A lesson from family.

Many times, a chronic pattern of lying or giving “half-truths” can be traced back to an invalidating family environment. This can also stem from experiencing abuse from within the family or a significant other.

Imagine growing up in a family in which being truthful was punished. For instance, a child who every time they expressed feeling or thinking a certain way was told that they were wrong for having that experience.

Or perhaps that child learned that her parents themselves couldn’t be trusted. As in, they said they’d pick you up from school or that they’d make sure to watch your volleyball game, yet time and time again, they didn’t follow through.

Or perhaps, that child was being hurt by an older sibling or relative, and yet when the child told the parent, they were accused of lying or “trying to cause problems”.

The message this child received is what you’re experiencing isn’t true, doesn’t matter, and that you can’t trust the adults in your life.

It’s hard to be truthful when you’re punished for being truthful.

Lying to Survive

Even if someone with BPD did not grow up in a dysfunctional family of origin, they may have ended up experiencing intimate partner violence. Again, it’s about survival. They learned that in order to survive, they needed to lie.

For instance, let’s say that when a woman isn’t in the mood for sex, she’s honest with her partner. However, over time she soon realizes that her honesty is costing her. In response to telling the truth, she’s met with a fist to the mouth, verbal assaults, and being terrorized. That same woman will learn over time that in order to survive; to preserve her sense of safety; she must lie to keep the peace.

They learn that the only way to stay safe and survive is to lie.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder do lie. Being unable to regulate emotions effectively, lacking a solid sense of self, and a fear of abandonment all play a role in why someone with BPD lies. While I do not condone lying, I also believe that given the biology and environmental history of someone with BPD, lying makes sense for those individuals.

Philadelphia DBT Therapy

As a DBT therapist in Philadelphia, I know that you don’t want to push people away. I know you crave relationships with others that are meaningful, have deep connections, and yet don’t know how to do it effectively. DBT can help you learn how to manage your emotions and relationships skillfully, so you don’t continue to destroy the things you care about so deeply.

DBT in Philadelphia

As a DBT therapist, I specialize in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety therapy. You don’t have to continue to suffer and be miserable. I offer free DBT therapy consultations. Schedule your therapy consultation HERE.