DBT Skills Training: Core Mindfulness Skill- Effectively

You don’t understand how it even happened. It started out simple enough. You only wanted to return the jacket you bought for another one. You took your daughter to the mall yesterday and bought the most perfect jacket. It looked great on the hanger and when she tried it on, you both knew it was like designed for her. But, when you got home, your daughter noticed a slight makeup stain across the collar. So, the two of you decided to bring it back to exchange it for a new one.

Once you got up to the counter, you felt something shift. After you told the girl behind the counter what happened, she asked if the makeup stain could’ve been from your daughter. You felt like she was blaming your daughter for their screw-up. You were furious. You leaned over the counter, pointed your finger in the girl’s face, and threatened to get her fired if she wouldn’t exchange the jacket. The clerk quickly agreed and got you the exchange. When you next look at your daughter, you see her staring at the floor, her lip quivering and she barely responds with an audible “yea” when you ask her if she’s ready to leave.

You aren’t proud of how you’ve behaved. Sure, you got what you wanted, but at what cost?

DBT Mindfulness & Effectively Skill

Many times, my clients have not learned or were never taught how to be effective. They may have learned that the only way to get what they want is to throw adult temper tantrums, yell, name call, throw something, etc., etc.

Most people have behaved in ways that they later regretted. I too have “been there.” For some people; however, this is all they know. In their experience, the only way to get what they want is to be abrasive, aggressive, and impulsive. Again, this is all they know how to do.

What it means to be Effective

This blog post will focus on the last of the DBT Core Mindfulness How Skill of Effectively. As a reminder, the DBT Core Mindfulness How Skills are “how” you practice mindfulness. You practice mindfulness non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively. If you missed previous posts on these, you can go HERE and HERE.

Being effective is doing what works and/or doing something skillfully.

In other words, practicing being effective often means being able to get what you want in an effective way. It means doing what’s needed in order to get your needs met. The first part in practicing effectiveness is to identify what you want or what your goal is.

Here’s a very salient and relevant example to illustrate NOT being mindfully effective.

We’ve all been dealing with COVID for the past couple of years. Most of us want the same thing. We want our lives back and not be held hostage by this virus. Regardless of what you believe about our current circumstances, whether vaccines work, don’t work, or whatever the case doesn’t matter.

This is where you need to be mindful of what you want, be willing to do what’s effective, and be skillful in getting your objectives met.

You may believe that the only way to get back to your normal life is to scream and yell at business owners who require you to wear a mask or show proof of vaccination to enter their business. Or, on the other side of the coin, relentlessly argue or justice signal on social media to anyone who disagrees with you.

Now, ask yourself, are either of these behaviors effective? How effective are these methods of behavior going to help you get what you want? How quickly do you think either of those behaviors is going to work for ya?

DBT Mindfulness Effectively: What gets in the way?

What often gets in the way of being effective, is when you don’t want to be skillful because you believe you’re right and the other person is wrong. You believe that the other person should just do what you want because you’re right.
Resonate for anyone? Yeah… how often does that turn out well for you?

Mindless Ineffectiveness

For instance, let’s say you’re at the airport and you find out that the airline overbooked their flight and you get bumped from your, scheduled flight. You feel justifiably angry at this. You march right over to the ticket counter, yelling loudly, aggressively getting in the ticket clerk’s face, demanding that this “f*cking, sh*t show of an airline” kick someone else off the plane so you can get the seat.

In this scenario, you are, in fact, “right” that the airline overbooked your flight and you are now unable to get on the plane. You may also end up getting what you want by behaving in a threatening and intimidating manner. However, is this effective?

You may end up getting your objectives met, and at what cost? It may turn out that you’re now on the airline’s “list” of “difficult, unruly customers”. Or, perhaps your adult temper tantrum got you on the plane, but you are now the unofficial “target” of overworked, unappreciated flight attendants, who may conveniently make your trip less than comfortable in the form of cold coffee, ignoring your requests and being the last one to be able to exit the plane when it lands… You get the idea.

Being effective does NOT mean you agree or approve.

I help my clients learn how to wrap their minds around the idea that they can get what they want by using their DBT skills. It’s like helping people know how to “play the game”. It’s not about agreeing or approving with what you have to do, but instead using skills to get your goals met.

In the above example of being bumped from the flight. You are definitely “right” in that the airline made the mistake. However, you don’t have to resort to intimidating, aggressive behavior to get what you want. You can learn to be effective and “not shoot yourself in the foot”.

Key points to consider to combat ineffectiveness:

1.     Give up being right.

2.    Drop willfulness.

3.    Do what is effective.

4.     Don’t cut off your nose despite your face.  

How to practice DBT mindfulness effectively

1.     Observe when you notice that you want to be “right” instead of effective.

2.     Notice willfulness and then ask yourself, “Is this effective?”

3.     When you notice an urge to do something ineffective, ask yourself, “Is this effective?”

DBT Core Mindfulness Skills: Do What Works

Again, the overall idea behind the mindfulness skill of effectively is to do what works. It means being mindful of when you’re focusing on “being right”, holding onto something for the “matter of principle”, or anything that gets in the way of going what needs to be done in order for you to reach your goals in a skillful, effective way.

Implementing mindfulness practices can be life-changing. There are so many benefits of practicing DBT mindfulness. I hope that this blog series has helped you learn about mindfulness and the amazing benefits it can have on your life.

Philadelphia DBT Therapy

DBT Core Mindfulness Skills are the foundational skills taught in DBT and DBT Skills Training.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help people who often regret their behavior when things get intense. You can learn how to get what you want, and solve the problems in your life that are causing you so much pain, without sacrificing your dignity or self-respect or pushing people away.

Philadelphia BPD Therapist

If you’re interested in learning more about Dialectical Behavior Therapy and how DBT therapy can help you maintain relationships with the people you love, and cope with unbearable emotional pain, reach out today. I specialize in providing DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder treatment, and anxiety therapy. Schedule a video DBT consultation for BPD treatment or anxiety therapy HERE.