Philadelphia DBT: Why do people with BPD have a fear of abandonment?

Your bestie, Ava, has been your go-to friend for everything. She’s been your ride home when you’ve gotten too drunk to drive, your only friend to answer the phone at 2 a.m. when you needed someone to talk to after you saw your ex out with another girl, and when you want to go on a trip, she’s the first person you call. You count on her not only when things are going to shit. You also count on her for the fun times too. That is, until yesterday.

Yesterday, Ava called to tell you her exciting news—that she started dating Jason. You think, “Oh. My. God. Jason?” The Jason that you can’t stand? The Jason who, when you’re around him, makes you want to pull your hair out? The same Jason you end up arguing with all the time?

You want to be happy for Ava, but come on! How could she choose him over you? The more you think about it, the more upset and hurt you feel. You keep thinking, “How could she do this to me?” She knows you can’t stand him. You feel hurt, abandoned, and lost.

Before you know what’s happening, you’re staring at your phone, at the series of rage texts you just sent Ava. You accused her of being selfish; that a real friend wouldn’t date someone who their bestie doesn’t like. You accused her of not caring about you, since she “obviously knew” that you can’t stand Jason. You told her to never talk to you again.

What. Just. Happened?

Understanding Abandonment Fears in BPD

The fear of abandonment for individuals with borderline personality disorder can be intense. These fears can manifest in a variety of ways in relationships. For example, when your bestie, Ava, announces her new relationship with Jason, a person you despise, you feel a wave of panic. What does this mean for your friendship with Ava? As a highly emotionally sensitive person, the intensity and enormity of the pain you feel at the idea of being left behind and alone probably feels excruciating.

For someone with BPD, who’s already highly emotionally sensitive, this often leads to emotional reactivity. This often means that the individual impulsively “acts on her emotions” which is often seen as tearful, desperate pleas and accusations. In this example, rage texting.

In addition, what’s also happening most often is the person’s head trash is telling them that “of course” this happens because “everyone always leaves me”. They may think, “This always happens. No one can be trusted. I can’t rely on anyone and I’ll always be alone.” These thoughts tend to reinforce their fears of abandonment and feelings of unworthiness.

Exploring the Fear of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder

Underlying abandonment fears are several key issues that someone with BPD experiences, which makes them more prone to experiencing the emotional pain associated with abandonment. Understanding the origin or causes for someone with BPD to experience intense abandonment fears can be explained by DBT Biosocial Theory.

Simply put, someone with BPD has a biological predisposition to high emotional sensitivity and emotional reactivity. Those biological vulnerabilities, in combination with an invalidating social environment, can cause someone to suffer from chronic, pervasive fears of being abandoned and/or rejected by people they care about.

Using the biosocial theory, we can begin to uncover the underlying issues that lead to the intense fears of being abandoned in someone with borderline personality disorder.

High Emotion Sensitivity: Due to being highly emotionally sensitive, when Ava informs you that she started dating Jason, the pain you feel is intense and brutal. Those painful emotions feel debilitating.

Emotional Reactivity: For someone with BPD and high emotional sensitivity, impulsivity also has a biological basis. So, you find it almost impossible to restrain impulsive behavior, such as your overpowering urge to act on your painful emotions and sending multiple rage texts to Ava.

Invalidating Social Environment: Someone with BPD most likely experienced repeated, chronic episodes of invalidation, trauma, and/or abuse. These experiences can lead to unresolved trust issues, causing you to be more sensitive to perceived signs of rejection and/or abandonment. In other words, you are basically on high alert for situations where you may be let down, rejected, and/or abandoned.

Recognizing BPD Abandonment Behaviors

What do you do when you have the fear that someone will abandon or reject you? While this suggestion may appear to be overly simplistic, one of the first things that you can do is to notice that this is a problem for you. In other words, are you aware that you struggle with fears of abandonment? Things to notice or ask yourself include:

• Do you feel that people “always” let you down?

• Do you typically seek constant reassurance from others that they still care about you?

• Have you been told you’re “too clingy”?

• Have you been accused of “being manipulative” in order to keep someone around?

• Are you someone who will often “test” others on their loyalty to you?

• Have you engaged in impulsive/reckless behavior when you felt threatened by rejection?

How Philadelphia DBT Can Help

If any of the above questions or problems resonate with you, you may benefit from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. DBT targets the most problematic issues associated with borderline personality disorder, including an intense fear of abandonment. When you’re in DBT, you will learn how to deal with problems caused by your fears of being rejected and abandoned. DBT can help you navigate relationship problems.

Philadelphia DBT Therapist

If you have BPD or struggle in relationships, you may believe relationships will only bring you pain. I know you are desperate for deep, meaningful connections with others. I know you don’t want to destroy relationships. The good news is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help.

As a Philadelphia DBT therapist in private practice, I specialize in BPD treatment and anxiety therapy using DBT.

Philadelphia DBT Therapy

When you’re dealing with constantly being worried people will let you down or reject you, relationships can feel impossible. If you’re looking for expert BPD treatment, reach out today for a free consult for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can book your DBT consultation HERE.