The “D” in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Finding the “kernel of truth” EVEN when it seems impossible.

You’ve been with your fiancé going on 3 years. Over that time, you’ve lost track of how many times you’ve had the same argument with him about his mom. As these instances typically go, you lost your temper and ended up in tears.

You’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “Why is he being so f*cking stupid?” You think-- it’s not rocket science or even hard. It’s so simple. You are right and he’s so, so wrong. Why can’t he get it that his mother just ruins everything? This time was no different.

The Deets-

Both of you were out to brunch to discuss upcoming wedding plans. You’ve made it clear that you want the photographer you chose, and not your fiancé’s uncle, who also happens to be a photographer. Before you even get a chance to order your food, your fiancé’s mom already starts in on why her brother should be the one to do the wedding pictures. “After all, it would really hurt his feelings if he wasn’t able to photograph your special day,” she argued.

What about YOUR f*cking feelings? The wedding is yours and your fiancé’s; it’s NOT about this other guy’s feelings.

Then, like clockwork, your fiancé took his mother’s side. He explained that maybe you should have his uncle do the photos. “Why does it matter?” he asked. At that point, you became so enraged, that you stormed out of the room.

Why does it matter?

If you’re honest, you really don’t care who the photographer is. What matters is that you ALWAYS come second to your fiancé’s mother. You want him to finally put his foot down and tell his mom that she needs to butt out.

This has been the common argument since you two have been planning the wedding. You feel betrayed that your fiancé keeps taking his mother’s side. When you’re that angry, you wish that his family wasn’t even in your life.

But, that’s not reality.

When you’re NOT in such a state, you appreciate and even like your future mother-in-law. Plus, you know that family is important to your fiancé, and quite frankly, it is to you too.

So, how do you get through all of this without destroying your relationship with your fiancé and/or your mother-in-law?

The “D” in DBT stands for “dialectical”.

“Dialectics” is the concept of finding a synthesis of two very opposite things. In other words, it’s about finding the “kernel of truth”. This often is easier said than done.

Finding the kernel of truth or being able to think dialectically means finding what is true from both perspectives. It’s NOT about viewing things in shades of gray.

So, how do you find what is true on both of these opposing sides?

Let’s take a moment to dig into Dialectics-

Dialectics reminds us that:

• The universe is filled with opposing sides/opposing forces.

• Everything & every person is connected in some way.

• Change is the only constant.

• Change is transactional. (That is, what we do influences our environment/other people, and the environment/other people influence us).

That’s a lot to unpack.

Let’s dig into this a bit using the example above.

The universe is full of opposites.

As stated above, we know that the universe is filled with opposites and opposing forces (i.e. What you want versus what your fiancé wants.) So, how the f*ck do you view things dialectically here? He’s wrong and you’re right, right??? 

Hmm… Not exactly…

Here’s where you need to be reminded that there is always more than one side to anything that exists. Look for both sides here. If this feels hard for you, you’re not alone.

Tips on remaining dialectical.

Look inward and ask yourself “What am I missing?” In other words, what is the kernel of truth on the other side?

• The kernel of truth on your fiancé’s side or for that matter, your future mother-in-law’s side is that family is important to them.

Let go of extremes. For instance, change “always” or “never” to “sometimes”.

• In the example above, your fiancé “sometimes” (not “always”) chooses his mother’s side.

Balance opposites. Validate both sides of the argument.

• Validating your fiancé’s side could be saying something like this to your fiancé. “I can tell that you really care about your mom’s feelings.”

Making lemonade out of lemons.

• You do need a photographer, right? You mentioned that it didn’t really matter who the photographer was, right? Making lemonade out of this scenario could be to use this as a moment to have a heart-to-heart with your fiancé about what your fears are- That you’re worried that he’ll prioritize what his mother wants over what you want more often than you’d like.

Remaining Dialectical Can be Difficult.

Please don’t misunderstand the above tips as though viewing things dialectically is easy. It’s a difficult thing to do and most people don’t often think this way. The good news is that there are DBT therapists to help ya out and guide you.

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