DBT Skills Training in Philadelphia

You’ve been told that you’re too judgmental. When you hear that, you want to respond with, “no sh*t I’m judgmental. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my life?”

You’re tired of letting your emotions run your life and your relationships are in the toilet. You’ve heard that Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help you better manage your life, but you don’t know how that’s even possible.

You wonder if there’s anything you can do to feel better.

DBT has been shown to help people, like you, who are trying really hard to make their life better, but things aren’t getting any better.

DBT Core Mindfulness How Skills

If you’ve been following along to this blog post series, you’ve already heard a lot about DBT Core Mindfulness Skills, most recently, the Core Mindfulness What Skills. In other words, “what” to do when you practice mindfulness. Just to recap, the DBT What Skills consist of observing, describing, and participating. I’ve already gone into detail about the DBT Core Mindfulness What Skills in prior posts. If you missed them, you can read them HERE, HERE, and HERE.

The DBT Core Mindfulness How Skills are the next ones I’ll be discussing. The How Skills are “how” you practice mindfulness. The DBT Core Mindfulness How Skills include nonjudgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively. Let’s break this down a bit further. What does each of those actually mean? 

For today, I’m gonna dig deeper into the skill of non-judgmentally.

Being Nonjudgmental- why is it important?

We all are judgmental at times and you may wonder, “why does it matter if I’m judgmental or not?”

Being judgmental can contribute to many problems you have in your life. If you recall that when we practice describing, we are putting words on our experiences. The problem is, is when we put judgmental language on what we’re describing.

When we practice the DBT Core Mindfulness Skill of Describe, we are describing what we observe, not describing intentions or interpretations of what’s happening.

Being able to observe and describe helps us identify facts. When we’re being judgmental, this is not practicing observing or describing correctly.

When we have judgmental thoughts, these thoughts can contribute to how we feel. It can also lead us to experience emotional pain and contribute to needless emotional suffering. Again, being judgmental impacts how we view the world, interferes with our relationships, impacts our ability to regulate our emotions effectively, and does not help us communicate effectively with others. 

DBT Skills Training: Core Mindfulness How Skills & The Two Types of Judgments

It is important to understand that judgments are needed periodically. For instance, judgments are needed when discriminating information or criteria within a legal setting, such as in a courtroom, when there needs to be a “judgment” with regard to the rules and laws set forth.

Another example of this kind of judgment is when criteria need to be met to earn a particular grade in school or to obtain a certain score in a sporting event. In other words, this type of judgment is used to decide whether particular requirements were met. This type of judgment is based on facts and is a necessary part of our lives. When I teach DBT Core Mindfulness Skills, this is NOT the type of judgment I’m talking about.

The other type of judgment is the kind based on an evaluation. This type of judging refers to assigning “good or bad” to something. It is not based on facts. It’s based on the person’s evaluation of what they’re observing. In other words, these judgments are based on an interpretation and NOT facts.  

When we practice mindfulness, this is the type of judging to stay away from.

Judging Good or Bad- a DBT Skills Training Metaphor

Here’s an example to demonstrate how labeling something “good or bad” depends on who’s making the evaluation or interpretation. This example comes from Marsha Linehan.

-The Tiger Story-

Imagine that you and your friend are at a wilderness park where there are many different animals roaming around. You and your friend see a really pretty tree in the distance. Your friend decides to take a closer look and goes over to the tree. As you watch your friend go over to the tree, you see a tiger run over, attack and eat your friend. Holy sh*t! What just happened? This is terrible, right?!?!?!

From your friend’s point of view, this is a very “bad” thing because the tiger just killed your friend. From the tiger’s point of view, that tiger is viewing it as a “good” thing because the tiger just got food.  

Facts are facts are facts

>>> Interpretations are not facts. <<<

Practicing Nonjudgment does not equal approval.

Being non-judgmental does not mean we have to agree or give approval. That’s not it at all. What it DOES mean is sticking to the facts. Using the Tiger Story as an example, the facts are that your friend was killed and eaten by a tiger. That is not to say that I agree or approve of the fact that your friend was eaten by a tiger.

We often assign the terms “good or bad” to things that happen in our lives. We all do it. It’s hard not to do it. When I teach this skill to my clients, it’s often a hard skill to teach because people confuse nonjudging or sticking to the facts as approving of something.

Think about how different things are that are “good” for some people and “bad” for others. Our own current political system is a very salient and relevant example of this. Again, what’s “good” for you, maybe “bad” for someone else, and vice versa.

>>> The interpretation is in the mind of the person observing. <<<

When you practice mindfulness, it’s important to not judge in this way or assign a “good or bad” label.

DBT Skills Training and the Case of the Should’s

The word “should” also needs to be considered. As with the two kinds of judging, the word “should” is twofold, meaning that it depends on how it’s used.

One way to think about the word “should” has to do with the scenario “in order to do this, you need to do this”. For instance, if an assignment is due tomorrow and you haven’t started it yet, you “should” work on it tonight so it’s done by tomorrow. This isn’t judgmental. It’s a statement of facts.

The other type of “should” is problematic. This “should” has to do with questioning or refusing to accept reality. In other words, when you find yourself saying, “it shouldn’t be this way” or “I shouldn’t have to…” or “you shouldn’t be that way”. These are judgmental uses of the word “should” and need to be avoided when practicing mindfulness.

Why being judgmental doesn’t help.

Being judgmental can cause our negative emotions to get worse. Judgments also rarely give us enough information about a problematic situation. When you don’t have enough information or have a clear understanding of a situation, you also won’t know how to solve the problem you’re experiencing.  

How to stop being judgmental?

Here are the steps to stop being judgmental.

1.     Notice when you’re being judgmental or when you’re judging.

Notice the “should’s” or judgmental language you’re using. Just being able to notice when you’re being judgmental can be helpful in being able to reduce being judgmental.

2.     Counting the judgments.

Once you are able to notice when you’re being judgmental, start keeping track of how many times you’re being judgmental. You will probably be surprised at how often you’re being judgmental.

3.     Change the judgments.

This is a hard thing to do. Simply instructing yourself to not be judgmental will not work, just as telling someone else to not be judgmental will not work. Here’s a trick. Replace the judgmental thing you’re saying to yourself with something not judgmental.

Here are a couple of examples.

Instead of saying “I shouldn’t have to deal with this”, say, “I have to deal with this” or my favorite, “it is what it is”.

People often use judgments with respect to someone else’s behavior when they don’t like how the other person is behaving. The problem is, is when we tell someone else they “shouldn’t”, it misses the cause for that person’s behavior.

All behavior has a cause and when we make a judgment of someone’s behavior, we ignore the cause of that behavior. After all, if we hope to change behavior, we first need to address the cause of the behavior. Makes sense, right?

Another way to change judgments is to describe the facts, describe the consequences, and describe your own feelings in response to the facts, remembering that emotions are not judgments.

When we practice and use the skill of unjudgmentally, we are able to identify the facts which help us know more about the problem, and then we are more equipped at being able to solve the problem.

Philadelphia Dialectical Behavior Therapy

If you’re feeling miserable in your current life’s circumstances, and your relationships continue to suffer, you don’t have to remain miserable. DBT has been shown to help people solve the problems in their lives, and who feel that nothing else will help them find happiness. When you work with me, your DBT therapist, I can help you climb out of hell and create a life that’s worth living. You aren’t doomed to suffer from endless emotional suffering for the rest of your life.

DBT Therapy Philadelphia

If you’re wondering if Dialectical Behavior Therapy is right for you, reach out today. In my DBT therapy private practice, I help adults who are ready to commit to climbing out of their personal hell. My specialties include providing DBT, including DBT Skills Training, to help those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and debilitating anxiety.

For a DBT consultation for BPD treatment and anxiety therapy, reach out today. My consultations for DBT are free. You can schedule your own DBT therapy consultation HERE.