The Borderline Experience: BPD Favorite Person

BPD & Favorite Person

Idealization inside Borderline Personality Disorder

You find a new favorite person-

A friend, partner, lover, who seems to “get you” completely. They are perfect and fulfill your every need. You feel so lucky that this person became part of your life. They’ve easily become your new favorite person. It seems like they can do no wrong. In fact, when you’re with them, you feel amazing.

It was supposed to be the perfect day-

A relaxing, carefree, night out with the girls. You got your work done ahead of time, picked out something cute to wear, were dressed to go out, and walked out the door to meet your bestie when she texted you to say she had to bail. WTF???

You seethe with anger. She knew how important tonight was to you. How dare she? You’ll show her- you’ll block her number. No, better yet, you’ll let her know just how you feel by text. That’ll show her for ditching you when you needed her.

BPD Favorite Person No More

How could you have thought that she was your friend; your best friend? She’s supposed to be bestie, whatever… she’s a piece of shit. You send the text and then block her number. Over the next 5 minutes, you check your phone like 20 times- surely you’ll find countless apologies about how sorry she is- but she hasn’t responded… “She’s such a bitch” you tell yourself. “I hate her,” you think.

You wonder how you didn’t see it sooner. It happened again. They’ll always let you down. People can never be trusted and you’ll end up being hurt… Again…

So, you put up that wall and cut them off.

BPD Splitting- the “All or Nothing” & why a Borderline has a Favorite Person

This is how it goes for you.

The “I love you”, “I hate you,” “But, don’t f’ing leave me” cycle.

When life’s not crapping on you, things can be ok. But then you let your guard down and invest a bit of trust in someone, Bam, you realize that the world’s gone to hell and you feel like a piece of shit. It may not even be something they said, it could be what they did (or didn’t do)- like, how they ignored you or stared at you with such disgust.

You put up protective walls; don’t let people get too close.

It’s so damn hard to trust other people. In fact, it’s more difficult to even trust yourself. You want to believe most people are not out to hurt you, but as soon as you find someone in your life who seems so perfect, they eventually let you down and you realize what you’ve always known- that deep down, people have ulterior motives or just doing things out of obligation. Sooner or later, you discover that you really are just not worth it, that you’ll never have those perfect people in your life.

So you do what you’ve always done to protect yourself.

You tend to hold grudges. You put up walls because when you allow people into your world, they disappoint you; reject you; abandon you.

You ask yourself,

“Why do relationships always cause you so much pain? Why do relationships hurt so much?”

Then you catch yourself spacing out; shutting down…

Sometimes you get so worked up that you’ve “checked out”. You’ve “zoned out” so to speak.

It’s like you went to a different place- because it’s safer there than here in the “real world” where you can’t deal with any more of the shit anymore.

This shit of having to trust people, knowing that they’ll fail you, but not wanting them to leave you; abandon you.

It’s like you’re on high alert for any evidence that you’ll be rejected.

Because if you’re not, you’ll be hurt. Yet, being on high alert hurts too- it’s too exhausting; too draining; too painful. This happens most when you’re beyond stressed, although that has been happening more and more lately.

Cognitive Dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder

Everyone has head trash- You know, the thoughts that just end up making you feel miserable? We all have biases in the way we view and perceive the world. If you aren’t aware of your distorted thinking patterns, it can make life extremely more difficult to manage.

There’s No In-between; no middle ground

For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), common mental garbage comes in the form of “black or white”, “all or nothing”, extremes in thinking. The big, psychobabble term for this is dichotomous thinking (in case you’re interested).

Like when your boyfriend is either the best ever or an asshole. There are no shades of gray. They were put up on a pedestal and then something happens and they’re stripped of the title, best ever, “favorite person” and given the badge of “worst human being ever”.

For a Borderline individual, thinking in these rigid extremes tends to be a result of a lifetime of being told that their suffering is “all in their head”, which is not always the case. Thus, this ingrained way of thinking is both the cause and result of emotional and behavioral issues. So, in other words, this form of head trash is a normal result of both mood and extreme emotional arousal (see prior post on emotion dysregulation here); and will exacerbate already existing problems.

Emotional Distress in BPD Makes It Worse

During stressful times, a Borderline individual may be on even a higher alert for any “evidence” of rejection from others or believe people are purposely being mean to them or out to hurt them. They could also dissociate or “space out” or become emotionally numb as if they’re watching things from a distance.

Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

If you have BPD, you’re not doomed to a life of misery & being alone.

Cognitive dysregulation (problematic thinking) is another defining behavioral pattern found in Borderline Personality Disorder.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the Borderline Personality Disorder treatment of choice.

DBT helps you learn how to find balance and look at situations from a dialectical viewpoint. That is, finding a balance between two very polar, opposing forces- like, both “sides” of the “all or nothing” thinking can be true at the same time. I know, it seems like it’s an impossible feat!

As in the original example above, your bestie can still remain your bestie, AND make mistakes or hurt your feelings.

DBT can be the way out of hell.

DBT Therapy in Philadelphia, Lebanon, Harrisburg, York, and Lancaster, Pennsylvania

As a Philadelphia DBT therapist, I know you don’t want to push people away. I know you desperately want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. I can help you keep the relationships with the people in your life you love the most without constantly worrying they’ll leave you or let you down.

You don’t have to be a slave to your emotions, behavior, toxic relationships, or problematic thinking. DBT for BPD can help you find relief from the emotional suffering you experience brought on by relationships.

Your Philadelphia DBT Therapist

If you find yourself falling into a cycle of “black and white” “all or nothing”, or “all good or all bad” thinking, there is help available. Relationships don’t always have to hurt or bring pain. I offer free consultations for DBT therapy. You can call me at 717-685-5074 or go here to schedule your own therapy and counseling video consultation.