The Borderline Experience: BPD isn’t an Island

When Relationships Bring Pain

You dream of feeling loved, understood, accepted.

You thought he was perfect for you. Sure, you just met him a month ago, but for that month, you were with him all the time and it felt so right. Now, you don’t even know what you even saw in him. It was a whirlwind romance, and things went pretty fast, but deep down you thought that he was different than the other guys you were with before and thought he was the one.

Over the last few days, he’s been distant. You can’t put your finger on it, but he’s acting different… distant, somehow. You’re so f’ing scared that he won’t want you anymore; that he’ll decide you’re not good enough; and then you’ll be alone.

This keeps happening to you.

You’ve heard this story before-

Girl meets guy. Girl and guy hit it off almost instantly, spending every waking minute with each other. Girl “just knows” she can’t live without guy anymore. Guy starts pulling away. Girl doesn’t understand; she’s confused- “he said he loved me, why is this happening?”. Girl feels that ache of emptiness and begins to panic. Girl texts guys many times a day. Guy tells girl that he wants to “take some time apart”. Girl feels devastated, rejected, abandoned, and alone.

You can’t help but wonder why this keeps happening to you. Ever since you can remember, you’ve been left alone; rejected and abandoned, by people you thought loved you.

The Drama, Instability & Relationship Toxicity

True, you know your intimate relationships have been intense, but that’s what happens when you’re in love, right? Sure, there’ve been times when your partner has been mean to you, calling you names, and abusive.

It’s not just the guys you’ve been sleeping with, though. Your friendships have suffered and your family doesn’t want to be around you. There’s always someone you’re on the outs with and you can’t even remember the last time you spent with your loving sister, who you haven’t talked to since that awful argument…

And oh, the drama you somehow get pulled in to- it’s like your life is a literal soap opera.

You’ve been abandoned again.

You want so desperately to feel loved and accepted.

You long for that feeling of being supported, liked, loved, and accepted that you’ve been driven to panic and fear by the pure thought of being alone, or that your best friends are mad at you and they won’t want to be friends with you anymore, or your family won’t approve of your decisions and not love you anymore.

You want to keep those relationships; friendships, your partner, and be close with your sister again. Yet, sometimes things don’t feel right- like your boundaries aren’t being respected or you’re trying too hard or your self-esteem is tied to their approval. You don’t know how to convince them that you need them and miss them and that you’ll do anything to have them in your life.

Relationships and Self Sabotage

You were so afraid of losing the people who mean so much to you that your fear and desperation frantically drove you to do things that actually pushed those very same people away. Like, when you test every relationship you’re in because you can’t quite trust others’ intentions or prove that they actually like or love you. You may not even know you’re doing it. Because, you think, “why would anyone want to be my friend or partner?” Then, when your behavior pushes them too far, it proves what you were fearful of the most and all along - that you don’t deserve to be loved or cared for.

BPD and Interpersonal Dysregulation: It’s all about the Relationships

Interpersonal dysregulation (significant problems functioning within relationships) is another behavioral pattern, characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder. This aspect or impairment is uniquely seen only within the context of interactions with other people. An example of this could be the following (and I wish I could take credit for this analogy, but I can’t and for the life of me can’t remember where I read it…):

You could put a person with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder on a deserted island and you’d still be able to observe evidence of their mental disorder (i.e. responding to hallucinations or the drastic changes in energy level). But with someone with BPD, you probably wouldn’t observe anything out of the ordinary. That is, for someone with BPD, the impairments of functioning occur within the context of relationships or in response to interactions with others.

BPD is not a disorder that occurs in the absence of people.

You want to have satisfying, genuine, loving relationships, but what you’re doing isn’t working.

Philadelphia DBT

I know it’s so hard to navigate relationships when you feel so much. You’re so scared that you’ll mess up and push them away.

The truth is that-

You can have the healthy, stable, loving relationships you so want to have in your life.

I specialize in helping individuals who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder using DBT, anxiety therapy, and trauma counseling. Give me a call today at 717-685-5074 or go here, to schedule your free, 15-minute, phone or virtual consultation.