Coping with a Toxic Relationship (During Quarantine)

Your relationship has problems-

You don’t know what to do or how to get through it.

Coping with anxiety while quarantined is hard enough, yet being forced to stay home with someone who is toxic… can take its toll on your overall mental health. If your relationship is already unhealthy, being stuck at home with them is sure to make you question your sanity. When you live with someone who seems to constantly bring out your worst, you may be wondering how you’ll make it through this time of uncertainty without losing your sh*t.

Being forced to stay home and isolate yourself from others can, and is, in itself detrimental to one’s overall emotional wellbeing. This is a vulnerable situation as it is, especially when you’re already trying to cope with your own mental health needs. So, add on top of that a toxic relationship and it’s a combination that can feel impossible to endure.

You want normalcy & struggling to cope with the pandemic.

It’s hard enough to cope with toxicity on a “typical” day when you have more options… Yet now you’re here in the midst of this pandemic, filled with uncertainty and wondering how the hell you’re going to make it through to the other side of this thing.

I’ve already talked about Drama Vampires here, but overall, toxic people in any form can literally turn your level of emotional safety or “happy place” into a current hell. With current “Stay at Home Orders” your ability to go to your safe place may be extremely challenging or even feel downright impossible. When you live with someone toxic (spouse, parent, roommate, or other family member) you’ll need to equip yourself with some tools, because your typical, “go-to” ones aren’t available.

**With regards to abusive situations, your health and safety are paramount and if you’re in a situation where you’re fearing for your life, you need to call 911.

An obvious point to be made is to remind you that during unprecedented times, the idea of merely “surviving” through your experience isn’t to say that it is ideal. It definitely is not.

My point is to provide you with options to help you tolerate this very less-than-ideal situation you may be in.

Coping skills during the pandemic

Here are some practical tips I’ve compiled to help you arm yourself with, to (at least) emotionally survive quarantine with this toxic person.

1. Self-Care- I cannot emphasize enough how literally essential it is to regularly practice daily self-care. What does that mean, exactly? Make. Time. For. You. If you have to, schedule it on your calendar; make a reminder on your smartphone; whatever you need to do to make sure it is a priority.

   >>> There’s no way in hell you can be at your best to cope with toxicity in your home if you aren’t taking care of YOU first <<<

2. Build a Sense of Mastery- In other words, try to do one thing a day that makes you feel competent and in control. Doing this helps build confidence and

   >>> Feeling a sense of confidence will definitely help you tolerate that toxic individual you’re stuck with <<<

3. Give Yourself Some Cheerleading- So often, interactions with toxic people leave us doubting ourselves, feeling “less than” and hopeless. Those thoughts and feelings are then amplified when you’re stuck with them. Whether it’s the constant put-downs, instigating arguments, or attempting to drain you of any good vibes, sometimes, it’s important to remind ourselves of the obvious. Those, often overlooked, “truths” that toxic people seem to ignore. Here are two important ones:

   >>> Just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true <<<

   As in, just because your partner calls you “lazy”, “useless”, “fat”, (insert any other derogatory name/adjective here) doesn’t mean that you are.

   >>> There’s no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine <<<

4. Use Some Self-Soothing-This means being kind and comforting to yourself. Specifically, think about soothing each of your five senses:

   -With Vision: watch something pleasant on TV or paint your nails a pretty color

   -With Hearing: listen/sing/hum to some calm or exciting music or go outside and pay attention to the sounds of nature

   -With Smell: light a scented candle or bake bread/cookies

   -With Taste: chew some of your favorite gum or savor a good meal

   -With Touch: take a comfy, warm bath or cuddle up with your pet

   >>> Learn to self soothe, because that toxic person(s) you’re stuck with probably won’t be able to give you the comfort you need <<<

5. Learn How to Respond to Instigation- Toxic people tend to be gifted with “pushing your buttons”, pulling you into drama, or the “Blame Game”. For instance, when your partner says, “You are so lazy and never help around the house!” Holding onto any shred of self-respect during these exchanges feels overwhelming and literally impossible. Your first instinct is to probably defend yourself by naming all of the times you do more than your share of housework. However, that response just confirms your attendance to the argument party. Simply put, Don’t. Take. The. Bait.

   Here’s the key: validate or look for the “kernel of truth” behind whatever they’re saying. It’s important to know that validating does not mean agreement. So, in response to the above accusation, you could possibly reply: “Yeah, household chores really suck” or “Wow, it sounds like you feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done”.

   >>>Learning how to effectively respond to such provocations can help manage the crazy<<<

   DBT Therapy in Philadelphia is available in Lebanon, Harrisburg, York, and Lancaster, PA.

   I specialize in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder using Dialectical Behavior Therapy, anxiety therapy, and trauma counseling.

   Thinking about giving counseling a try? Give me a call today at 717-685-5074 or click here to schedule your free, 15-minute, virtual consultation for therapy.