Coping with Painful Emotions During the Holidays

As the holiday season begins and continues through to the beginning of the new year, you’ll undoubtedly be bombarded by messages informing you of all kinds of stuff you need. The underlying themes from your social media feeds, newspaper inserts, inboxes, and TV ads, will list deals claiming to make you and your loved ones happy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love finding great deals- particularly when it means finding an awesome, special gift for someone; securing a much-needed vacation; or for something that I’ve had my eye on for quite some time (can you say, new CrossFit sneakers, anyone?)

However, what I’m talking about here is the idea that you need to buy these things; to make you and others happy.

Hmmm… let’s think about this for a minute.

Can you Fix Your Feelings?

Do you believe that happiness is something that “happens” to you or is something outside your control?

Or…

Do you feel that you are responsible for other people’s emotions- like trying to “fix” other people’s feelings- like it’s your responsibility to “make someone happy”?

You may have heard someone say, “you’re making me so mad!” or “don’t do that, you’re making me feel sad!” or “I need him- he’s the only person who makes me happy!”

Here’s the thing about feelings-

As much as you may wish there was a magic wand to “make people feel” a certain way, the simple fact is that none of us have that power.

I’ll say that again-

You don’t have the ability to control someone else’s emotions.

Have you ever noticed how different people react differently to the same event?

For example:

As you’re walking down the hallway of your office building, you see a colleague walking toward you. You smile and say “hello”. Your colleague walks quickly by you, not responding to your greeting.

How do you feel after this?

-You may feel angry, believing your coworker ignored you

or

-You may feel hurt, thinking this person just didn’t want to talk with you

or

You may feel concerned, thinking your colleague appeared distracted and tired.

How many other alternative interpretations can you think of?

Ultimately, most situations or events don’t automatically prompt emotions. Instead, the emotion is prompted by your interpretation of the event.

In other words, your perception of the event will trigger how you feel.

Please understand that this concept does not imply that you have permission to do whatever you want to others and not expect them to become upset. You still have an obligation to demonstrate responsible behavior towards others.

What do you do? Be mindful.

So, with all of this in mind- the barrage of targeted messages filling up your inboxes, mailboxes, news feeds, implying that you need to buy these things to create happiness, think about why you believe they’ll create happiness in you or others.

Find help to cope with powerful emotions.

Are you someone who feels that your happiness is dependent on other people or things? As an anxiety and relationship therapist, I provide counseling and DBT therapy in Philadelphia, Harrisburg, York, Lebanon, and Lancaster, PA. I specialize in anxiety treatment, DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder, and trauma counseling.

If you’re ready to find relief from the stuff that keeps you stuck and miserable, reach out today for your free counseling consultation. You can book your own video therapy consultation by clicking here, or by giving me a call.